About five years ago, I began looking for a co-parent. I joined an LGBTQ+ co-parenting network (similar to a dating site) where people create profiles to find co-parents, donors, and others interested in alternative paths to parenthood.
I wanted a co-parent because I believe a child benefits from having two adults who love and commit to raising them.
I met a woman I felt I had a lot in common with. We spent time getting to know each other, involved family and friends, and drafted our own co-parenting agreement. After a miscarriage, we tried again and had a healthy pregnancy; nine months later, our son was born.
The turning point
Almost immediately after his birth, things changed.
The agreement we’d made wasn’t honoured, and in his first year I saw my son only five times. Repeated attempts to resolve things directly failed, and I had little choice but to pursue court.
It took nearly two years and tens of thousands of pounds before we reached a point where our son started staying with me regularly, and it was then time to begin building a relationship with him.
The process was stressful, acrimonious, and expensive, but today our son is three and we have a good relationship — for that I’m grateful.
What I should have done
-
Use mediation from the start
A neutral mediator would have helped us structure an agreement with balanced input from both sides and flagged issues we’d missed.
- Get legal advice early and formalise the agreement
Having the agreement reviewed and lodged with a solicitor would have provided clearer intention and fewer surprises later. - Slow down and vet more thoroughly
In the excitement of finding someone willing to co-parent, it’s easy to let momentum override careful judgement. People often present the best version of themselves at first, and a third party could have helped me see inconsistencies and ask the harder questions. - Include specifics in the agreement
Parenting schedules, decision-making authority, financial responsibilities, healthcare, education, relocation clauses, and dispute-resolution mechanisms (such as mediation) should all be clearly set out. - Plan for change
Life circumstances and relationships evolve. Building in review points and clear processes for modifying the agreement would have made things more manageable.
My advice
If you’re considering co-parenting:
- Get a robust co-parenting agreement and legal advice early
- Be thorough in vetting
- Document everything clearly
It may not guarantee an easy path, but it will give you a stronger foundation and help protect both the child’s interests and everyone’s expectations.
Where things are now
I’m now back in mediation with my son’s mother. We’re in a far more amicable place and focused on what’s best for our son.
If there’s one takeaway from my experience, it’s this: don’t assume goodwill and emotion are enough. Put structure in place before you start what is, ultimately, a lifelong commitment.
Written by Mark, London
This is a guest contribution and reflects the author’s personal experience.
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